It was painless but.........!
Today I have been in a seminar all day, I was only partly engaged, it is 10 years since I awoke to begin the upward journey of recovering from a stroke.
But it really started 10 days before that when I had a dream that I was near the top of the Rapaki Track curled up sleeping while God sat beside me watching over me and holding my keys. I told a couple of people about it but we of course did not know what it meant.
My friend Ginette, a long term missionary in Thailand, having been home for a while, was about to return. We went to for the weekend in Diamond Harbour, just making a memory to last for a few more years while she was away.
I awoke during the night as she was leaving the room. I asked what she was doing and she said she felt like praying so was going to the lounge. I suggested she stay in her bed and we could pray together. It was like we entered the very presence of God, heavenly places with praise and worship, fabulous.
I now imagine the scene in heaven, the recording angel saying to God that big stuff was about to happen in my life and what should they do to prepare me. God suggesting that we be given just such an experience to carry us through the time ahead.
Trip to the loo about 2.30 am before settling down again, sat on the bed, leaned forward and felt unstable so quickly got in and lay down. Raised my left arm, it felt not quite controllable and I wondered in a matter-of-fact way, 'Is this a stroke?' My Mother had had one at age about 46 and I was now 54, I had known it was a possibility.
Ginette was very tired, I was myself, whatever was happening could wait until morning.
I awoke off and on during the night, moved my arm, it did not work well but fell across my forehead at least I could lift it so I was not sure. I thought things through; if this was indeed a stroke then my life was going to be different for a while, I resolved to live with courage through the year ahead. I wanted to do it well.
Morning came, I told Ginette about my arm, she too was a nurse and asked immediately if I could stand on my leg. Clearly she was thinking I had had a stroke. I could not easily stand, the diagnosis was correct.
We went upstairs together, prayed and read but Ginette was restless, she knew we should go back though I was not so aware of the urgency. It was too difficult to dress so with her help I donned a dressing gown, together we climbed a short hill to the car and left for home.
The trip back is strange to remember. I thought I felt very tired and drifted in and out of sleep, Ginette tried keeping me awake, the truth is I probably went in and out of consciousness.
In Christchurch I really wanted to tell James first before going to the hospital. We pulled into the drive but I could not get out. James looked shocked and said he would come to the hospital later.
At the hospital it was almost impossible to get out of the car, I had lost a lot of movement in both my arm and leg. We waited what seemed like a long time in the waiting room before I was taken through, Ginette was wonderfully kind and deeply concerned.
Blood taken off, IV put in, needing help to move, I realised life was no longer mine to control.
James came, then Deb with 2 small Grandchildren, Jeremy, our Pastor and his wife but it seemed so long before I saw Sharyn and Jo again.
Ginette had to leave, we were all at a loss, how do we cope with this huge disruptive body blow!
And so the long, long road to recovery began in the brain injury ward, would I ever be me again.
My arm and shoulder would not move, I felt like a beached whale. They said my leg was doing well with one physio a day so I suggested that I have 2 sessions and they agreed. I walked like my Mother had but I wanted to do better than that.
The family were hurting. Deb was a young Mum with children to care for, hospital was a boring place for them, it was great to see the her and the next generation whenever they could make it. Jeremy spent long evening hours with me. He was amazing the way he could keep a conversation going! Sharyn and Jo both seemed so young to handle this. We cried together and holding them with my one good arm I assured them all would be well, we had no idea it would take at least a year.
I gradually could walk a bit between bars then with a 3 pronged walking stick.
Our ward had a great view of sparks in the park and I wanted my family to see it sometime too. The neighbours from our street all put in so I could have TV by my bed, I could hardly concentrate though.
Our ward was filled with flowers, most of them mine but I could not handle the thought of such an outpouring by so many people, what was expected of me? I couldn't think.
Ginette returned to Thailand, it was a sad parting for who knew how long!
Jo came in and cried and then bought in her school friends and we laughed.
Daily blood tests, always painful.
Lying down trying to pee for the night nurse IMPOSSIBLE!
Sitting on a ledge at the side of an ambulance trying not to fall over on the ride to Burwood.
Stick taken away and into a wheelchair again, sickening!
And so I traveled the road to recovery. Sharyn had left school and was amazing. She was not employed so caught a bus and walked every day to see me in Public then at Burwood she caught 2 buses, travelled for hours and still continued to visit. When I eventually got home, until she got a job she drove me, as a learner driver, 3 times a week to Burwood.
Barbara took me out for lunch one day. We picniced. I knew that previously it had been easy for me to start a conversation but I had no idea what to say. I cried when I finally got back, would I ever be me again.
Airini prayed with me often, others also made that long trek to Burwood, I felt bad to drag them so far.
My arm just would not work. My hand remained paralysed. A lady from Ballantynes came to find the perfect bra to put on with one arm paralysed. One felt comfortable. "That is a very good one," she said, "for someone sitting all the time." I didn't want it, I planned to move!
Eventually the physio said, somewhat sadly, as we had become friends, "I dont think we can do anything for your arm, no need to keep coming." What a black moment, I could not believe it would never move again. She offered me a special sling so that my shoulder would not get damaged carrying the weight of my useless arm. I was indignant, I did not want to wear my arm I wanted to use it
Long story short, God intervened, my arm, hand and fingers move, though funny thing is I am still not great at clapping!
It was months before I could resume reading my Bible, which until then I had done almost daily. I asked God about it, He told me this was a sleeping phase He was sitting with me and all was well; and so the dream was interpreted, I was delighted.
It is awful today to think of how it was 10 years ago on this day, gut wrenching is the modern way of putting it.
James and my precious family have blessed me so much through it all.
Jo said to write as though noone but me would read it so I have. These are some memories but there are many more. What did I learn, what can I say is a truth that came from all this? Easy GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY! One day that could go on my tomb stone :)
But it really started 10 days before that when I had a dream that I was near the top of the Rapaki Track curled up sleeping while God sat beside me watching over me and holding my keys. I told a couple of people about it but we of course did not know what it meant.
My friend Ginette, a long term missionary in Thailand, having been home for a while, was about to return. We went to for the weekend in Diamond Harbour, just making a memory to last for a few more years while she was away.
I awoke during the night as she was leaving the room. I asked what she was doing and she said she felt like praying so was going to the lounge. I suggested she stay in her bed and we could pray together. It was like we entered the very presence of God, heavenly places with praise and worship, fabulous.
I now imagine the scene in heaven, the recording angel saying to God that big stuff was about to happen in my life and what should they do to prepare me. God suggesting that we be given just such an experience to carry us through the time ahead.
Trip to the loo about 2.30 am before settling down again, sat on the bed, leaned forward and felt unstable so quickly got in and lay down. Raised my left arm, it felt not quite controllable and I wondered in a matter-of-fact way, 'Is this a stroke?' My Mother had had one at age about 46 and I was now 54, I had known it was a possibility.
Ginette was very tired, I was myself, whatever was happening could wait until morning.
I awoke off and on during the night, moved my arm, it did not work well but fell across my forehead at least I could lift it so I was not sure. I thought things through; if this was indeed a stroke then my life was going to be different for a while, I resolved to live with courage through the year ahead. I wanted to do it well.
Morning came, I told Ginette about my arm, she too was a nurse and asked immediately if I could stand on my leg. Clearly she was thinking I had had a stroke. I could not easily stand, the diagnosis was correct.
We went upstairs together, prayed and read but Ginette was restless, she knew we should go back though I was not so aware of the urgency. It was too difficult to dress so with her help I donned a dressing gown, together we climbed a short hill to the car and left for home.
The trip back is strange to remember. I thought I felt very tired and drifted in and out of sleep, Ginette tried keeping me awake, the truth is I probably went in and out of consciousness.
In Christchurch I really wanted to tell James first before going to the hospital. We pulled into the drive but I could not get out. James looked shocked and said he would come to the hospital later.
At the hospital it was almost impossible to get out of the car, I had lost a lot of movement in both my arm and leg. We waited what seemed like a long time in the waiting room before I was taken through, Ginette was wonderfully kind and deeply concerned.
Blood taken off, IV put in, needing help to move, I realised life was no longer mine to control.
James came, then Deb with 2 small Grandchildren, Jeremy, our Pastor and his wife but it seemed so long before I saw Sharyn and Jo again.
Ginette had to leave, we were all at a loss, how do we cope with this huge disruptive body blow!
And so the long, long road to recovery began in the brain injury ward, would I ever be me again.
My arm and shoulder would not move, I felt like a beached whale. They said my leg was doing well with one physio a day so I suggested that I have 2 sessions and they agreed. I walked like my Mother had but I wanted to do better than that.
The family were hurting. Deb was a young Mum with children to care for, hospital was a boring place for them, it was great to see the her and the next generation whenever they could make it. Jeremy spent long evening hours with me. He was amazing the way he could keep a conversation going! Sharyn and Jo both seemed so young to handle this. We cried together and holding them with my one good arm I assured them all would be well, we had no idea it would take at least a year.
I gradually could walk a bit between bars then with a 3 pronged walking stick.
Our ward had a great view of sparks in the park and I wanted my family to see it sometime too. The neighbours from our street all put in so I could have TV by my bed, I could hardly concentrate though.
Our ward was filled with flowers, most of them mine but I could not handle the thought of such an outpouring by so many people, what was expected of me? I couldn't think.
Ginette returned to Thailand, it was a sad parting for who knew how long!
Jo came in and cried and then bought in her school friends and we laughed.
Daily blood tests, always painful.
Lying down trying to pee for the night nurse IMPOSSIBLE!
Sitting on a ledge at the side of an ambulance trying not to fall over on the ride to Burwood.
Stick taken away and into a wheelchair again, sickening!
And so I traveled the road to recovery. Sharyn had left school and was amazing. She was not employed so caught a bus and walked every day to see me in Public then at Burwood she caught 2 buses, travelled for hours and still continued to visit. When I eventually got home, until she got a job she drove me, as a learner driver, 3 times a week to Burwood.
Barbara took me out for lunch one day. We picniced. I knew that previously it had been easy for me to start a conversation but I had no idea what to say. I cried when I finally got back, would I ever be me again.
Airini prayed with me often, others also made that long trek to Burwood, I felt bad to drag them so far.
My arm just would not work. My hand remained paralysed. A lady from Ballantynes came to find the perfect bra to put on with one arm paralysed. One felt comfortable. "That is a very good one," she said, "for someone sitting all the time." I didn't want it, I planned to move!
Eventually the physio said, somewhat sadly, as we had become friends, "I dont think we can do anything for your arm, no need to keep coming." What a black moment, I could not believe it would never move again. She offered me a special sling so that my shoulder would not get damaged carrying the weight of my useless arm. I was indignant, I did not want to wear my arm I wanted to use it
Long story short, God intervened, my arm, hand and fingers move, though funny thing is I am still not great at clapping!
It was months before I could resume reading my Bible, which until then I had done almost daily. I asked God about it, He told me this was a sleeping phase He was sitting with me and all was well; and so the dream was interpreted, I was delighted.
It is awful today to think of how it was 10 years ago on this day, gut wrenching is the modern way of putting it.
James and my precious family have blessed me so much through it all.
Jo said to write as though noone but me would read it so I have. These are some memories but there are many more. What did I learn, what can I say is a truth that came from all this? Easy GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY! One day that could go on my tomb stone :)
posted by ElizabethB | 5:53 PM
6 Comments:
I know I said write like no one will read it but I have read it. It is very interesting but hard at the same time to read what you remember. It is reassuring that you have found today hard as well, nice to know I'm not alone.
Love you heaps xx
Mum, you know, you were never very good at clapping. Just kidding! Loved to read this, though it is sad in some places. You are wonderful and your recovery is a testament to God, of course, but also to you and your courage.
Love you heaps too...xxx
its harrowing reading but you are such an inspiration Mum, I am so lucky to have such a special mother
Love
Jeremy
wow i have never had the opportunity to hear your share how it was for you. I just remember hearing the news at church that you had had a stroke. I was pregnant with my Josh at the time and I remember praying lots over weeks and months. Hearing the news that you may not gain use of your arm again and watching you try to adjust to a different life - one you did not choose but was forced on you. I can also testify to your courage to not give up and to continue to grow closer to God. The relationship you have had with God over the last 10 year is testament to what you have walked with him including the time you slept and he sat watching over you. Thank you for sharing and I hope you don't mind that I have read it....
Elizabeth, i count myself blessed that i hae known yourself and James, it takes a very special to write what you have written.
May God continue to bless you as you grow and allow him to work within you.
I want to thank you all for these kind comments! It encourages me to know that even tho I dont blog all that often people still patiently look me up.
Thanx karen!
Thanks warwick!
Love you kids!!!
Elizabeth
Post a Comment
<< Home